Your Vagina Is Not a Shopping Cart!

When health fads force us to explain that the vagina is not a shopping cart, a steam room, or a jewelry box, something has gone very wrong in women’s magazines—and in the examples set by celebrities, who lately seem obsessed with their private parts in ways that are more dangerous than pleasurable. Or perhaps, more profitable.

Recently, a woman in Argentina died after inserting parsley into her vagina in an attempt to induce an abortion. She believed the herb had natural properties that could increase blood flow and cause uterine contractions.

The “practice” is not new—and was even published in Marie Claire magazine, not as an abortion method, but as a “natural way to bring on menstruation.” The article claimed parsley could “soften the cervix and balance hormones, regulating your cycle.” There is no scientific evidence whatsoever that parsley does any of this—neither regulating cycles nor working as an abortifacient. The online article has since been deleted, but it suggested parsley tea and vaginal suppositories.

According to IFLScience, a quick Google search for “parsley vaginal suppositories” reveals a horror show of “natural abortion methods,” including recommendations to insert raw parsley directly into the vagina—leaves, stems, and all.

In the Argentinian case, the consequences were fatal. The parsley caused a severe vaginal infection that spread rapidly. Doctors removed the woman’s uterus in a desperate attempt to stop the infection, but she died of toxic shock a day later.

This tragic story raises important questions about abortion rights—debates that deserve their own space—but it also highlights a broader issue: the growing popularity of “natural,” “holistic,” and “magical” practices that exploit misinformation about women’s sexuality to sell products and promote “treatments.”

Cucumbers, Jade Eggs, and Steam Baths

Another recent fad involves inserting a cucumber—yes, a peeled cucumber—into the vagina to “clean” and “refresh” it. Tutorials and testimonials on YouTube claim, without a shred of evidence, that cucumbers can balance vaginal pH and improve hygiene. The instructions? Insert the peeled vegetable and twist it around for 20 minutes. What to do with the cucumber afterward is left unsaid—but if you’re into this, please don’t invite me to dinner.

Vegetables aren’t the only trend. Celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow, through her “wellness” brand Goop, have recommended inserting jade eggs into the vagina to strengthen pelvic muscles and “reconnect with sexuality.” The site claims the eggs’ “energy” will make women more confident and attractive. One user testimonial even boasts that men looked at her with desire after she walked around with a jade egg inside her. It’s ironic: while the site claims to empower women’s sexuality and feminism, it simultaneously reinforces the sexist notion that a woman’s ultimate goal is to attract male attention.

Underlying it all is a deeply misogynistic belief: that the vagina is impure and must be cleansed or purified.

Goop has also promoted vaginal steaming, with $50 sessions using herbal vapor—typically mugwort—claimed to regulate cycles, relieve cramps, balance hormones, kill intestinal worms, and ease virtually every discomfort imaginable, all while “cleaning” the uterus.

The jade eggs retail for $70. The sauna treatments cost $50 per session.

The Real Risks

These practices are not only unscientific and bizarre—they are dangerous. Introducing foreign objects—or worse, raw plant material—into the vagina can disrupt its natural ecosystem, introduce harmful microbes, and cause serious health problems.

Let’s be very clear:

The vagina does not need maintenance, cleaning, or cosmetic treatments.

It does not need its pH “balanced.”

Vaginal health is maintained by its own microbiota—mostly lactobacillus bacteria, the same ones found in yogurt. These bacteria keep the environment acidic, balanced, and protected from pathogens.

When foreign microbes are introduced, this balance is disrupted. Even seemingly harmless objects can cause microtears in vaginal tissue—providing gateways for infections. These infections can range from bacterial vaginosis to toxic shock syndrome (the cause of the Argentine woman’s death), or even increase susceptibility to STIs like HPV and HIV.

Vegetables pose a double risk: they introduce bacteria and fungi while also risking physical injury. Jade eggs, when manipulated inside the vagina, can cause abrasions—and no studies have ever tested how such materials interact with vaginal tissue or microbiota. Vaginal steaming carries the danger of burns and further lesions.

Even douching, which may seem more benign, is discouraged by doctors because it disrupts the protective microbiota that naturally maintains vaginal health.

The Bottom Line

Ladies, please: do not put vegetables or dubious objects into your vaginas.

If your goal is pleasure, evolution has already provided natural options—and safe, washable, artificial ones exist too.

If your goal is cleanliness or pH balance, do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Your vagina takes care of itself. Vaginas are incredibly self-sufficient—and when left alone, they don’t open the door to opportunists, whether they’re microbes or marketers trying to sell you useless products. ✍️ Natalia Pasternak is a researcher at the Institute of Biomedical Sciences at the University of São Paulo (USP), national coordinator of Pint of Science Brazil, and president of the Instituto Questão de Ciência.